


ethereal dances

by noeller



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: (internalized), Ableism, Alternate Universe, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Drug Abuse, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Soft!Isak, punk!even
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:13:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22125397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noeller/pseuds/noeller
Summary: "you're so cynical.""that's always what people say when you're right and they don't want you to be."or: a punk!even and soft!isak au
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Comments: 139
Kudos: 374





	1. EVEN

**Author's Note:**

> listen,,,,, i have like 10 other wips, but everyone has been talking about this au, and i just had to.

Even _hates_ his job.

He used to love it. He was hired when he was freshly 18 and hadn’t completely lost hope yet, but now, he’s 22, and he doesn’t really believe in all the good things he did then. He’d quit, but he’s not sure he’d get another well-paying job as a mentally ill man with purple hair and piercings, and his boss here likes him well enough to work with all of those things, the mentally ill part especially.

The purple hair isn’t really that bad in a hipster cafe. It mostly leads to having girls with blue hair hit on him because they think they have that in common, but they don’t. They do it because they think it makes them cool and unique. Even does it because he actually likes it. The piercings are the part that makes some people uncomfortable, because they think they have some sort of insight on Even’s dark thoughts because of them, but they don’t. Even has his dark thoughts, and then he has his appearance. It’s not the other way around, no matter how much the world at large thinks it has to be.

His boss has started requesting that he not wear the heavy eyeliner to work anymore. He thinks it’s bullshit that he has to conform to the ideals of a capitalist society in order for another money hungry capitalist to benefit from the work that he puts in, but the fact of the matter is, he lives in a capitalist society, and he needs money as much as anyone else, and Elise respects him as a person, so the least he can do is wait until his shift is over to put his makeup on if that’s what she needs from him. 

He’s reflecting on a lot of this today, because he sometimes needs to remind himself that there’s a reason he has this job. Today, the kid who’s working next to him is one of those fucking “deodorant causes cancer” nuts, which is an issue, because he’s a teenager, and he fucking stinks. It’s giving Even the worst headache in the world.

He keeps sending the kid to get stuff from the back, which has led to Even doing the better part of taking and making all the orders, because the kid would drive away customers if they get too close. Luckily, Elise has noticed and has stepped in for the rushes so Even doesn’t get too flustered, but that means that poor kid isn’t going to have a job tomorrow. Oh well.

Now, it’s pretty calm, and Even only has about half an hour left on his shift, so he’ll get to leave and spend the next 16 or so hours pretending that he’s actually doing what he wants to be doing at this point in his life, and then, he’ll return to this cafe and continue making a fool of himself until he gets his shit together.

He tenses up when he hears the bell ring, signaling that yet another customer has arrived to order something overly complicated and expensive for no reason other than making Even’s life hell, probably, but he calms down when he catches who it is. This kid is a regular, a second year university student who alternates between two very simple things on the menu and always makes conversation with Even when he isn’t busy. They even follow each other on instagram, where they’ve exchanged hate-filled essays about capitalism, because it’s generally frowned upon to discuss something like that at your place of employment, and again, Even really needs this job.

The kid smiles when he catches Even’s eye. “Hey, man. What’s up,” he says, holding his hand out to clap Even’s in greeting. His biggest flaw, in Even’s opinion, is his habit of referring to most of the people he encounters to as “man,” but Even isn’t one to judge.

“Hi. Smoothie or coffee today,” Even asks. It’s always one of the two.

“Actually, you guys have non-dairy ice creams, right?” He taps his fingers on the counter like he’s making some sort of weird request, but Even serves those multiple times a day, and he knows Jonas’s feelings on the dairy industry, so it makes sense.

“Sure, we have oat milk ice creams. Here’s a list of the flavors and toppings,” Even says, handing Jonas one of the paper menus and pointing out the ice cream section at the bottom. Jonas hums and focuses on the page.

Another person walks in, and Even has never seen him before, but he doesn’t give off that ‘trying out the hipster lifestyle for instagram because it’s trendy’ vibe that most of their new customers do. Jonas looks back and waves the kid over, calling out “Mags,” which Even assumes is a nickname. Jonas gives everyone a nickname.

It’s kind of weird, because Jonas usually comes here alone, often to study at the counter and chat with the employees when he needs a break, but he doesn’t even have a bag today, so he must have decided this place is a good hangout now, or whatever Jonas is doing with this other kid.

“They do non-dairy ice cream,” Jonas says as the kid walks up behind him, holding the menu up for ‘Mags’ to see. He makes a face at it.

“Yuck, J. Just because you’re doing this vegan thing doesn’t mean you have to drag the rest of us down with you,” he says. Jonas rolls his eyes.

“Isak is doing it, too,” Jonas argues. ‘Mags’ is the one to roll his eyes this time.

“Isak has been doing it since the two of you watched that documentary last year, because he’s not a hypocrite, and also, he’s never complained about the rest of us not doing it like you have this week.”

Even stands back a little, just amusedly watches these two boys bicker with each other over ice cream. He has to admit that they seem nice, and they’re definitely entertaining. Even would try to make friends with this other guy if he wasn’t so skeptical about his enthusiasm.

“Whatever. This is Even. Be friends with him and stop annoying me,” Jonas says, nodding his head towards Even.

“Hello, Even.” He sticks his hand out to shake, so Even does the same, nodding at him. “I’m Magnus, and I’m assuming you already know our dearest Jonas here, so you must also know that he’s been vegan for a full six days, because he won’t shut up about it.”

Even smiles, puts on his friendly face. “I didn’t know that, actually. I haven’t seen him in a few days,” he says. Jonas snorts.

“You don’t have to be nice to him, Ev. He’ll have a crush on you if you aren’t careful.”

Magnus smacks his arm, his smile turning into an exaggerated scowl. “Hey,” he huffs. Jonas smiles. “Where are Mahdi and Isak, anyway? We were supposed to meet here five minutes ago.”

“Mahdi was supposed to walk here with Isak, and Isak has never been on time in his life. Let’s just order for them,” Jonas says. Even steps back up, getting ready to get back into it after his little break.

“Okay, Even. Four oat milk ice cream scoops. One oat, one strawberry, one vanilla. What flavor, Maggie?” Magnus considers it for a minute. “Vanilla,” he decides.

“All four of those in a cup,” Even asks.

“Yes,” Jonas says, handing Even his card to pay before he even asks for it.

“Okay, those should be ready in just a minute,” he says, handing Jonas’s card back.

“Are you working alone today,” Jonas asks, maybe sounding a little concerned. Magnus has moved from within earshot, so Even can be honest with him.

“Annoying fucking kid that I’ve been trying to keep away from the counter all day because he’ll scare off anyone who walks in,” he explains. Jonas hums in sympathy.

“I can see you’re having a great time contributing to the downfall of society today.” Even huffs out a laugh.

“I better get your ice cream.” Jonas nods, moving away from the counter.

Even takes four ice cream cups and goes to the freezer in the back, where they keep all the ice cream, because apparently there were complaints about it being melty when they used to keep it up front. He kind of wants to make the kid do this, but Even has no doubt he’d screw something up, and he isn’t in the mood to be accused of giving dairy milk to a vegan. He’s been down that road before.

He scoops the ice cream into their respective cups, the entire time wondering how it came to this. He used to be sure he’d be at least on his _way_ to amounting to something by this time, but he’s scooping dairy free ice cream into cups for a bunch of teenage boys who aren’t even going to like it, because it’s gross. Even knows that first hand.

He gathers the cups up in his hand, taking them back out to the front where Jonas is waiting, and while he’s putting them down, he sees the most gorgeous creature he’s ever seen walking in.

Long legs, gorgeous blonde curls, a gold choker around his beautiful neck, a soft looking purple sweater draped across his body, even though it’s a little warm today. His nails are painted pastel pink, and they’re a little chipped. His skin glows like he’s some otherworldly creature.

Ethereal, Even thinks. The word is stored deep down, somewhere Even has locked away from his days of being a pretentious teenager, but it’s the only word that can possibly describe what’s in front of him. This boy has his arm linked with another, but Even can’t even see him, because he’s too transfixed by this beauty.

Jonas hugs the boy, and Even snaps out of it, because he’s not about to slip and let someone he cares about see his hopeless romantic side. Even though he’s all about people being authentic, he tries to hide that. Maybe it makes him a hypocrite, but it’s really best for everyone.

His smile, though. Fuck. 

“Issy, I think I’ve mentioned Even to you before,” Jonas says, leading the boy over to the counter where Even is standing. He tries to hide how he wipes his palms on his jeans before he shakes Isak’s hand.

“Oh yeah, you have. It’s really nice to meet you,” the boy says, and Even’s throat closes up. Even his voice is gorgeous.

“Yeah, you too,” he says. Jonas gives him a confused look. He knows he sounds a little choked up, and he pretends to clear his throat to explain it, which Jonas seems to buy.

“I’m Isak, by the way. Jonas never calls me by my real name,” he says with a smile that almost blinds Even.

“Isak,” he repeats under his breath. Thankfully, no one notices. 

“Let’s eat our nasty stuff that looks like ice cream before it melts, boys,” Magnus commands. The boys all agree with him, taking their cups and going to a table in the corner. Isak brushes his hand across Even’s while he picks up the strawberry one, which Even catalogues for later, along with the burning sensation where Isak’s skin touched his.

Whether or not it was intentional, Even doesn’t know, but Isak didn’t apologize, so he doesn’t feel guilty for touching Even. He has 15 minutes left on his shift now, and he spends all of it watching the table out of the corner of his eye, making a mental note of every single time Isak glances over at him.

He’s in double digits before he clocks out.


	2. ISAK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a possible first date (isak's pov)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> today, in my never ending quest to make isak and even miserable, i've given isak adhd, and he struggles with rejection sensitivity. i don't suggest reading this if that's a difficult topic for you. i've also decided to do alternating povs, because i write from even's perspective way too much.

Isak, for once in his life, is determined to play it cool.

Even is cute. He’s really, really fucking cute, and Isak doesn’t want to rush anything if there’s any possibility of them being something, even if it’s just friends. He’s done that in the past, because he just gets too excited when he finds someone he likes, and it has ended in disaster on all of those occasions.

But then, Jonas is high, and Isak can’t be. He has to cut way back on smoking, because he’s on a new medication, and he thought he was actually going to die the last time he smoked with that stuff in his system, and finding the right balance is way more important than getting high.

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to, though, especially when Jonas starts ranting about something or another. He can’t handle that shit sober, so he leaves. He considers going to the bookstore he works in, maybe buying some new pens with his employee discount, but naturally, he finds himself going to the cafe.

Even is cleaning off the counter when Isak walks in, but he smiles when he looks up. 

“Hi, Isak, right?” Isak nods, blushing over Even remembering his name. “What can I get you?”

“Iced coffee with almond milk,” Isak says, handing Even his card to pay. He writes the order on a cup and hands it to his coworker to make, still holding Isak’s card. 

“So, Isak, I’ve never seen you in here before yesterday,” Even says, leaning forward on the counter. Isak blushes again. 

“Yeah, well, I had no idea this place was here, and the place I usually go charges extra for non-dairy milk, and this is only a couple more blocks away from my apartment, so it makes sense.” It’s technically the truth. Isak’s never been a particularly skilled liar, but he still gets flustered from Even’s gaze. He looks down at his hands to avoid it. 

“Why don’t you make coffee at home? I’m sure it’s cheaper?” Isak bites his lip, tries to think of something that isn’t completely boring. 

“Should you be recommending that a customer stop buying coffee?” Even smirks.

“No, but I do it anyway. Capitalism is going to take all of us out, Isak. You shouldn’t depend on services being provided for money.” Isak rolls his eyes. This is a familiar rant.

“Hey, I left my apartment so I wouldn’t have to listen to this for the millionth time, so don’t start,” he says, jokingly pointing at Even.

“Is Jonas high?” Isak nods. He doubts Even knows he lives with Jonas, but Jonas is kind of a free spirit, just wandering around places and hanging around until he wants to do something else, and weed is a surefire way to get him riled up about politics, and everyone in his life knows that.

“Yeah, and he smoked without me, so I’m not listening to him.” Even raises his eyebrows.

“Wow, that’s really brutal. I can’t believe how ruthless you are,” he says sarcastically. Isak smiles.

“Yeah, well I-”

“Even,” his coworker interjects, “his coffee is done and there’s another customer coming in.” She looks irritated, and Isak can’t blame her.

“I’m so sorry. Have a nice day, Even,” he says, grabbing his coffee and moving away from the counter without giving Even a chance to respond.

He wants to run away, because that was fucking embarrassing, but he sees that Jonas has texted him to stay out for a few hours because his fuckbuddy, Astrid, is coming over. Isak has no desire to get anywhere near that mess, and he doesn’t have anything else to do, so he takes a seat by the window in the back where Even can’t see him from the counter.

In all honesty, he really doesn’t want coffee. He just wants to know Even. He really isn’t even supposed to have more than one coffee a day, but Even will notice him at some point, and having a full drink left when he said he went out of his way to come here will be even more embarrassing than getting called out by Even’s coworker.

Isak has scrolled through his instagram feed at least ten times when someone suddenly sits down next to him. He looks up, startled, to see Even giving him an amused look. “What are you still doing here,” he asks. Isak sighs heavily.

“Jonas is having sex, and I’m really not interested in hearing it.” Even hums sympathetically.

“I didn’t know you guys live together,” he comments.

“Oh yeah, we moved in together right after we graduated with another friend.” Even nods. Isak avoids his gaze. It’s very intense, honestly.

“Escaping the parents?” Isak huffs out a laugh.

“No, escaping a shared apartment with four people sharing one bathroom.” Even gives him a weird look, and Isak rushes to change the subject. “Anyway, Jonas is hosting a party to celebrate the school year starting or something, I don’t know, but he asked me to invite you, so if you’re interested,” he says, just hoping that Even will let the apartment thing go. He forgets that he shouldn’t tell people he wasn’t living at home during school.

“If Jonas is hosting, aren’t you hosting too,” Even asks. Isak gives him a faux offended scoff.

“No, it’s just happening in my house. If I’m hosting, I have to help Jonas clean.” Even nods again.

“And you aren’t interested in that?” Isak smiles, shakes his head, avoids Even’s eyes. “Wait, is he gonna make everyone drink vegan alcohol or something? I don’t really know how all of that works.”

“No, he was ordering a pizza when I left, so I think that whole thing is over.” Even hums.

“Well, I understand that he’d want to jump ship after that nasty oat milk stuff you guys ate yesterday,” Even says. Isak laughs.

“Jesus christ, how do you still have a job here?” Even just shrugs. “Anyway, I loved it.” Even scrunches up his face. He takes a second to actually look at him. His hair is still tied back, but it’s looser than he had it a few minutes ago, probably just because it’s hot today and he doesn’t want to take it down. He’s wearing all black, and it isn’t interrupted by the ugly striped apron that he has to wear for work. He really is beautiful.

“It’s disgusting,” Even says.

“No? Do you not like oats, or something?” Even shakes his head. “Yeah, it makes no sense that you wouldn't like something made of oats, dude.” Isak cringes the second it comes out of his mouth. _Dude_.

“Well, _dude_ , why don’t you show me what’s good. My treat,” Even says. Isak’s heart pounds. He can feel it in his hands.

“Seriously? Right now?” He doubts that this is some sort of mean joke, but he can never be too sure. He tries to keep his emotions toned down when Even nods, but he doubts Even couldn’t see the joy on his face.

He grabs Even’s hand as he stands up, but then he starts to overthink it. Is that too forward? Is Even just being nice? Is this just a friendly thing because Even didn’t have plans? Was Even just bored enough to seek out someone to do something with and Isak just happened to be there?

Those thoughts are enough to derail his good mood a little, but he decides to do his best to get through this and have a nice evening with Even. He can freak out about it on his own time, preferably when Jonas is coherent enough to understand what’s going on and be sensitive about it. He’s not a great listener when he’s high, probably because he never stops talking himself.

Even squeezes his hand, so Isak takes that as a signal that he didn’t do anything wrong, which is really a relief. He’d hate to have to avoid Even forever like he does his various past exploits.

He throws his coffee out as they leave. It’s still half full, but Isak already knows he’s going to regret the extra caffeine, and Jonas and Eva will be upset that he had a drink instead of eating real food. 

“Was there something wrong with that,” Even asks, and Isak feels so rude. That’s probably the same way Even would make coffee since he also works here, and Isak just threw it away right in front of him.

“Oh, no, I’ve just had enough. I wasn’t really thinking about the caffeine when I bought it, you know?” Even chuckles.

“Yeah, okay.” 

They leave, and Even drops Isak’s hand. He feels the sharp pain of rejection in his chest, but he can hold it together. He can. He has no idea what that may have been about.

“Okay, sunshine. Tell me where we’re going,” Even says after they get down the block. Isak’s heart flutters at the nickname.

“Sunshine?” Even looks down at him.

“I think it suits you very well. Don’t you?” Isak doesn’t respond. He just smiles, his face burning as he does.

“We’re just going in here,” he says, leading Even into the market he always goes to. He takes them to the ice cream section, finds the one he’s looking for, and opens the door. “Which flavor,” he asks Even, pointing to the brand he likes the best.

“Surprise me.” Isak rolls his eyes playfully.

“No, the whole point is that you’re going to love it. What if I get a flavor you hate? That ruins the plan, Even.”

“Fine, then guess and I’ll tell you if you’re right or wrong.” Isak smiles.

“Hmm, okay,” he says, playfully studying Even’s face. “You give me a mint chocolate chip kinda vibe.” Even shakes his head, his lips twitching.

“Just chocolate,” he says.

“Okay, yeah, I never would have guessed that,” Isak says, turning back to grab a pint of chocolate almond milk ice cream.

“Well, I guess you’re just bad at reading people,” he says, and Isak’s heart falls. He’s glad Even can’t see his face, because he’s sure the panic and fear is very visible.

He pulls himself back together before he turns back around. There’s no way that was malicious, he tells himself. Even is nice, and he wouldn’t just insult Isak while they’re out together. It was a joke, one of those things that normal people don’t think twice about, one of those things that Isak will probably have on a loop in his head, torturing him as he tries to fall asleep.

He doesn’t show that to Even, though. He’s not going to be interested in someone who can’t even take some lighthearted teasing. None of the others were.

He’s pretty sure he has it figured out now. People tend to like this softer, less difficult Isak much more than they liked privileged teenager with a bad attitude Isak, and honestly, Isak does too. It feels better than it used to, even if he still sometimes finds himself spiraling into a pit of negativity and self hatred. At least he gets a break from it now.

And even though he isn’t a good liar, he’s good at hiding things. Almost no one knows the extent of his struggle, and that’s how he likes it. If he doesn’t show anyone what causes him pain, it isn’t real to them. It’s only real to him, and that’s okay, because they don’t deserve to have to walk on eggshells just because Isak’s brain doesn’t work the way he wants it to. They just see this sweet guy, maybe a little naive, and that’s easier to swallow.

Even leads them out to a bench across the street. Isak sits with his legs crossed under him, angled to see Even. They both scoop some ice cream into their plastic spoons, clinking them together before they both take a bite.

Isak watches Even’s face the whole time, eager to make sure he doesn’t hate it. He sticks his spoon down in the ice cream, covering his mouth, and Isak gets nervous. He doesn’t want Even to hate what may be considered their first date.

“Okay, I’ll give it to you, that’s actually good,” Even says. Isak’s face lights up.

“Oh, that makes me so happy,” he says, putting his hand on Even’s shoulder. Even puts his own hand on top of it, and Isak feels so warm. 

“What’s the difference between this and the other stuff,” Even asks.

“It’s made of almond milk. It doesn’t have as much of a flavor as oat milk.” Even nods, taking another bite.

“Are you some sort of vegan ice cream connoisseur?” Isak smiles.

“No, I’ve just tried a lot of them.”

“And just to be sure, you aren’t one of those guys that tries to make everyone feel bad for eating meat, are you?” Isak shakes his head.

“No, it’s just important to me, personally. Everyone has a different perspective, and I think we all just try to do the right thing. No one’s ever gonna get that 100% right, you know?” Isak doesn’t tell him that Jonas asked him to watch a documentary, just one, and it upset him so much that he spent a week doing research, watching everything he could find, reading dozens of papers on the industry. He doesn’t tell Even that the thought of having any sort of negative impact on a living being makes him feel physically sick, sometimes even like he’d rather die. He’s always been one to think in extremes.

“Well said.” Isak puts his thoughts to the side. Even can’t see them.

“Yes, well I’m very intelligent,” Isak says. Even raises his eyebrows.

“Is that so?” Isak nods, a smug look on his face. “That’s really good.”

\---

They end up talking for so long that they have to discard the ice cream for being too melted to enjoy. Isak tells Even some things he knows about the stars, things he learned in a class he was a little too excited about last year, and he barely resists the urge to talk Even’s ear off for the rest of the night when he mentions a show that Isak had developed a borderline obsession with about two months ago. That’s not the prettiest side of him, either.

Even ends up being the one to call it a night after receiving a long string of text messages that make his eyebrows scrunch up in confusion, maybe concern. He still walks Isak home, though, and they hug before Isak goes inside.

He lets his guard down as soon as Even is out of sight. He’s exhausted from the rollercoaster ride his brain decided to go on tonight, and he doesn’t have to hide it any longer.

His body feels like it weighs a ton as he drags himself up the stairs, but there’s instant relief when he walks in the door and sees Eva sitting on the couch.

He knows it’s a little awkward for Jonas and Eva to live together, even if they don’t want it to be, and he also knows that a lot of it is for his benefit. He had to leave kollektivet, because the lack of space and privacy was just too much for him to handle. He knew that no one liked it when he said he was looking for a place of his own, because he was enough of a mess with other people watching him, and being on his own wouldn’t be good for him, but he didn’t have another choice, because he also didn’t think he could live with a bunch of strangers.

Three days after his announcement, Jonas and Eva came to him, saying they were both looking to move out, and maybe they could do it together. They promised it wasn’t weird for them, because there aren’t any feelings there anymore, and Isak wasn’t in a position to argue, because he couldn’t imagine a better arrangement for pretty much everyone, so he agreed, and they found a decent place a week later.

Since then, Jonas and Eva have become his rocks. They always kind of were, but they became even stronger, because Isak is kind of a nightmare to live with, and they witnessed everything and helped him through it. He doesn’t think he can ever thank them adequately.

Eva throws up a peace sign as he takes his shoes off. It’s a greeting, and also a signal. She’s here if he needs support, but she’ll leave it alone if he’d rather go hide in his bedroom. He really didn’t think he looked that visibly run down, but it seems to be abundantly obvious that he’s struggling.

Isak throws himself down on the couch next to Eva, slumping down to rest his head on her shoulder. She puts her arm around his shoulders, brushes a hand through his hair, and he leans into her. “Okay, Issy,” she asks. Isak sighs.

“Not being able to ask someone if they like me every five seconds is exhausting,” he admits. Eva pulls him closer.

“Who were you with?” Isak hesitates, because Eva will definitely freak out about this, but she’s a great friend and deserves the truth.

“A guy,” he mumbles. Eva freezes.

“A guy? Like, a man that you might potentially date? Oh my god, Isak, that’s so nice!” She’s genuinely excited for him, and Isak feels tears stinging his eyes, a combination of his love for Eva and his frustration with himself.

“I don’t know. I was with him for an hour, and it was a lot for me. I’m not sure I can do it again,” he admits.

“Don’t talk yourself out of it, okay? You’re just feeling insecure because it’s new and you don’t know what it is, and there’s honestly a good chance that he understands what you’re going through. A lot of people have mental health issues.” Isak moves even closer to her.

“You took one psych class,” he says. She will know he’s deflecting, but she’ll probably let him have this one.

“Three, actually. I haven’t told anyone, but I’m thinking about becoming a therapist.” He lifts his head up to look at her. She looks nervous for his reaction, which makes sense. Her experience communicating with mentally ill people comes primarily from himself and Noora, so he could very easily be offended by her suggestion, but he isn’t. He’s so fucking happy that she may have finally found something that can be fulfilling to her.

“Eva, that’s so great! You’d be so good at that,” he says, pulling her into a slightly uncomfortable hug, but one that she returns with full force.

“I’m so glad you think so. I’ve been so worried that you’d be upset with me,” she says.

“I would never. Now I can have a therapist that makes house calls, and I won’t be late all the time.” He waggles his eyebrows at her, and she laughs.

“Alright, enough about me. What have you eaten today?” Isak’s good mood drops instantly. He’s pretty sure he’s only had ice cream and coffee, and he knows she won’t like that. He doesn’t want her to be upset with him.

“I don’t know,” he mumbles, looking down to avoid her eyes. She sighs and brushes through his hair again.

“I won’t be mad at you. I just need to know how many vegetables to force feed you for dinner,” she says. Isak recoils, but she grabs his hand before he can get away. “We’ve been over this a million times. You’re one of my best friends, and making your life a little easier makes me happy. Cooking is hard for you, and it’s not for me, so it only makes sense that I help you with it, right?” She holds his hand, and he knows she’s not going to let go until he agrees. She’s always trying to force self worth onto him, and he couldn't love her more.

He nods reluctantly, and she smiles. “Good. Also, I wanna hear about this man you’re hanging out with. You have to tell me everything since I’m your therapist now,” she says. Isak smiles.

“I guess that’s only fair.”

“Right answer. Let’s make dinner.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this one took so long! i hope everyone enjoyed it.
> 
> [my tumblr](https://glitteryevak.tumblr.com/)


	3. EVEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> isak is a little bit too much to handle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am,,,, so sorry this took so long

There are times in Even’s life when he really, really hates himself. One of those times is right now.

He had a good time with Isak yesterday, but he has to admit that he’s suspicious. He doesn’t know anyone else in the world that’s as genuinely kind as Isak, and he doesn’t trust it for a second. He knows he hasn’t seen much. He’s probably only seen Isak with his best foot forward so far, because they’ve only met twice, and there’s a chance that Isak is interested in him too, but he’s still not sure about him.

It’s the part of himself that he really can’t stand, his tendency to default to cynicism. It’s warranted in most cases, because the world is a fucking nightmare right now, but it really sucks in other cases. He’d love to think that Isak really is what he shows on the outside, a really sweet guy, friendly and kind, but he can’t help but think that’s he’s either incredibly naive or hiding something serious.

He goes into work with a chip on his shoulder. He’s been overthinking this Isak thing all night, and he’s tired and a little worried that he’s becoming some sort of obsession, and he needs to get him out of his head immediately if he even _thinks_ he notices any of the normal signs of him becoming obsessed with something. It’s fucking exhausting to have to police one’s own thoughts and feelings, but Even guesses he doesn’t really have a choice in the matter.

He’s in early today to open the place up. If it were a normal coffee shop, he’d be worried about this shift, but those creepy uptight businessmen that like to scream at food service workers won’t even think about coming into a hipster cafe when there’s a chain location for another, cheaper place just down the block. This place really doesn’t get busy until around lunchtime, because their coffee is stupidly expensive and takes forever to make in the mornings.

He’s making sure everything is okay at the register when he sees it. Isak left his fucking credit card here, and someone put it on the shelf under the tabletop, which means that Isak will probably be in here at some point today to get it back. Seeing Isak makes him weak, and he hangs on to every word out of his mouth, and he didn’t think he’d need to deal with that today. He really thought he’d get a break from seeing him to figure things out, but the universe has never really been on his side.

He puts it in the back of his mind and focuses on working. Isak has only come in during the afternoon so far, and Even is only working for the morning, so there’s a very good chance that Even will already be home by the time Isak arrives. He just hopes that that’s the scenario here.

\---

It isn’t. Isak walks in the door 20 minutes after Even opens it. He’s shockingly awake for this time of the morning, looking put together as always and a soft smile that seems to be permanent on his face. He’s wearing blush and something glittery across his eyelids, and Even wishes someone would just fucking _kill him_ , because nothing has ever made his legs turn into jello as fast as this sight has. Even wishes he’d look anything less than perfect for even one fucking second so he wouldn’t have to be so intimidated, but that’s probably to much to ask of someone who is quite possibly a fallen angel who lost his wings.

He also wishes that the cafe was busier so he’d have an excuse to not give Isak his full attention, but the three other customers he’s had so far were to-go orders that have already left, so him and Isak are literally the only people in the building, so really, the universe must just be really angry with him today. Maybe he can avoid looking at his face.

“Hey, Even. I think I left my card here yesterday. Is there any chance someone has seen it?” Isak asks. Even has to take a minute, because he somehow forgot in the last twelve hours how gorgeous his voice is. It only makes sense, because it matches the rest of him.

“Oh, yeah, it’s right here. Sorry about that,” Even says a few moments later, hopefully not too many to make Isak suspicious about what he was thinking.

“That was quick. Are you stalking me or something?”

“What?” Even says. Isak cringes.

“Sorry, that wasn’t funny out loud. My friend just made me watch this show where a guy gets a girl’s name from her credit card and he ends up stalking and killing her, and it really freaked me out, you know, because you never know what people’s intentions are when you meet them, right? Anyway, sorry, I don’t think you’re a murderer,” Isak says as he takes his card back, his face bright red from embarrassment, but Even has to admit that his rambling to explain his joke was really cute.

“Well, I’m really glad you trust me so much. Can I get you anything? It’s on the house since I accidentally stole your credit card.” Isak smiles.

“As much as I would love for you to buy me coffee, I’m running late for work,” he says. Even hums sympathetically. “Yeah, but I’ll see you at Jonas’s party tomorrow, right?”

“I don’t know, Isak,” Even says. He’s not huge on school parties. People tend to be dicks to him when they have some liquid courage, and contrary to popular belief, he doesn’t actually like fighting. He just has to do it sometimes.

He also doesn’t want Isak to know about this reputation he has for being a violent hardass. It’s not completely true, but it’s also not completely false, and Isak is way too sweet to not be completely turned off by any kind of aggression. He may be hiding something, but it’s not that he’s a streetfighter or something crazy like that. If he is, Even has severely misjudged literally everything about him.

“Please, Ev?” _Ev._ “It’ll be so fun.” Isak pouts at him, and Even isn’t strong enough to resist something like that.

“Fine, okay. I’ll come, but I’m bringing a friend.” Isak’s face lights up.

“The more the merrier. See you tomorrow,” he says, backing up to the door and blowing a kiss before he turns around to leave.

Even is so fucked.

\---

**Mikael**

Tell me if I’m overthinking this

Okay

I offered that boy I hung out with yesterday a free drink from the cafe. He said he was running late for work but “would love for me to buy him coffee”

Then he invited me to a party at his place and pouted when I said I wasn’t sure I could come

And he blew a kiss at me when he left

Okay, literally what is there to overthink  
He couldn’t have made it clearer that he likes you

Okay great

You’re coming to the party with me

Nope. I’m not about to spend my night watching you make out with a boy that you’ve known for three days.

Fuck

You’re right

It’s only been three days

Do I seem off to you?

That’s not what I meant. You’re just doing that thing where you idealize the person that you like and want to get with them as fast as possible.

I’m not! I want you to come so I don’t get drunk and hook up with him. I actually like him and I want to do it the right way this time.

Fine, just this one time

\---

Walking up the steps of Isak and Jonas’s building is somehow one of the most nerve wracking things Even has ever done. He knows it’s a little dumb. He has Mikael right next to him, and Jonas is a close friend, so he should be thrilled to see where he lives, but Isak also lives there, and Isak will be in there, probably drunk and possibly even more affectionate than he already is sober. Even doesn’t know how he managed to not consider that possibility until they were already on their way.

Jonas had informed him over text that the door would be unlocked, so Even just pushes in. He might hit a few people on accident, but that’s what they get for standing in front of the door.

He scans the crowd, looking for Isak. He’s taller than most of the people here, so it only takes a second to find him, and Even almost considers leaving when he sees how gorgeous he looks. He’s only seen Isak in kind of baggy sweaters so far, so seeing him with a t-shirt tucked into some high waisted shorts is a shock to the system. He’s dancing with a girl that looks vaguely familiar, like maybe she came into the cafe once or twice, and the two of them have matching stripes of glitter across their cheeks that are unfairly attractive.

If at all possible, Isak’s face lights up even more when he sees Even and Mikael walking in. He kisses his friend on the cheek before he starts making his way over to them.

He throws his arms around Even, kissing his on the cheek and saying “I’m so happy you’re here,” and Even can’t breathe. 

Isak pulls back, but he doesn’t completely take his hands off Even. “Is this your friend?” he asks. Even nods.

“Yeah, this is Mikael. Mikael, Isak,” he says. Mikael sticks his hand out to shake Isak’s.

“Mikael, I’m so glad you could come. Do you guys have drinks yet?” Even shakes his head. “I’ll get you some. Do you drink beer?” he asks.

“Even does, but I’m not drinking tonight,” Mikael answers.

“Oh, we have water and some sodas in the kitchen. Do you want one?”

“Thanks, but I’ll get one later.” Isak nods.

“Okay, I’ll be right back with yours, Ev,” he says before slipping away into the crowd. Mikael gives him a look.

“How the hell was there any doubt that he’s super into you.” Even looks down and shrugs. Mikael sighs. “Listen, he’s cute and he likes you. Take it slow, but don’t stress over anything going too fast. He clearly wants to be around you, and you aren’t gonna get drunk off of one beer, so I’m going somewhere else. Just text if you need anything,” Mikael says. Even should find a way to thank him for being a good friend, but for now, he just nods and watches Mikael walk away.

He tries to stay in the same area, because he doesn’t want Isak to think he ditched him, but the front door opens again, and Even finds himself looking for somewhere to hide.

The guy that just walked in had a huge issue with Even a few months ago. They got into a fight, and the guy probably could have killed Even had Elias not shown up at just the right moment. The police got involved, and since the other guy was caught on a security camera instigating the fight, Even was able to claim self defense and wasn’t punished, and he has no desire to give this guy the opportunity to get revenge.

He walks into the first unlocked room that he finds, and surprise, surprise, it’s Isak’s bedroom.

At least, he’s pretty sure it’s Isak’s bedroom. There’s a photo of him with his friends tacked onto the wall by the door, and there’s a clothing rack in the corner that’s holding the sweater he wore on their maybe-date a few days ago. If it isn’t his room, his second roommate either has issues or has a remarkably similar personality.

It’s pretty much exactly what he’d expect Isak’s room to look like. Most of the furniture and the bedding is white. There are pink and pale orange throw pillows and blankets scattered around, but in a way that looks intentional. There’s a jewelry stand on the desk holding a dozen different necklaces and earrings, one of which he’s sure he’s seen on Isak.

The only weird thing is the wall beside his desk, where there are dozens of pastel sticky notes lined up on the wall next to a dry-erase board and a calendar. Even doesn’t know anyone who writes reminders out like that instead of putting it on their phone, but he’s not one to judge if something helps someone.

He jumps when the door opens, spinning around, because he’s sure he’s about to get beaten to a pulp, but it’s just Isak holding a can of beer and smiling at his reaction.

“Are you sure you aren’t stalking me?” he asks, trying to be serious but unable to wipe the grin off his face.

“It does look that way, doesn’t it?” Isak hands him the beer, moving to sit down on the edge of the bed, patting the spot beside him for Even to sit, so he does. “No, it’s just that guy that came in a minute ago. He and I had a, um, disagreement a few months ago, and I think he wouldn’t be too happy to see me,” Even says, doing his best to sugarcoat it without lying. He doesn’t want Isak to think he’s violent.

“That really tall guy with the brown hair?” he asks. Even nods. “I can make him leave. It’s my house, and you’re my guest. I don’t want you to have to hide all night. I really don’t even think he was invited,” Isak says. He starts to stand up, but Even grabs his wrist, pulling him back down.

“No, seriously, I don’t want to make a scene. That might actually make it worse.” He’d rather take his chances in here than wait and get ambushed on the street when he leaves.

“Are you sure?” Isak asks.

“Yeah, I’m sure. I’ll just stay in here for a while if that’s alright with you. I promise I won’t go through all your stuff.” Isak smiles, and Even has no idea how it’s so blinding every single time.

“Just some of it, right?” Even huffs out a laugh. “But we can find something to do. Hopefully you won’t get bored enough to have to look through my things. They aren’t that exciting, honestly.” Isak shrugs.

“Oh, no, you don’t have to stay here with me. I don’t want to take you away from the party.”

“I invited you so you could have fun. I’m not gonna let you sit by yourself in my bedroom all night. I was getting bored, anyway. I’m not drunk enough to think that dancing for three hours straight is fun.” Isak scrunches up his face. Even is dying.

“Okay, well why don’t you tell me a little more about yourself since I had to cut you off a few days ago,” Even says, barely catching himself before he calls it a date out loud. Isak hums in thought.

“I’m not that interesting. Is there something in particular you want to know?” He asks. Even has to think for a minute to find a question that isn’t ‘can you please tell me every bad thing you’ve ever done so I don’t feel as bad for liking you?’

“Tell me about your job. I didn’t know you had one.” Even cringes when it comes out of his mouth. He’s 20 and lives with roommates. Of course he has a fucking job.

“Okay, um, there’s a little bookstore not that far from here, actually, which is great for me, because I have, like, a driving-phobia or something. It’s owned by an old lesbian couple that basically tries to adopt all their younger employees, and they’re huge on self expression, so I love it a lot. It’s not officially an lgbt space, but anyone who knows the gay areas in Oslo will say that’s what it is. It even has a little cafe and a place where people can work and study, so I spend a lot of time there even when I’m not working,” Isak explains. Even doesn’t respond for a second, too stunned by this beautiful man talking about something he clearly loves. Truly unmatched beauty, Even thinks. 

Isak blushes under Even’s stare. “Sorry,” he says, “I tend to ramble, plus I’m a little drunk. I get too excited sometimes.” He looks embarrassed, almost ashamed, and Even hates it. This boy should never, ever feel bad about anything.

“No, seriously, you just look really beautiful when you get excited,” Even says. He wishes he had an excuse for letting that slip out, but he’s completely fucking sober and stable right now. That was Even through and through.

“Seriously?” Isak asks, and Even can’t backtrack when he hears how hopeful his voice is.

“Yes, seriously.” Even finds himself staring into Isak’s eyes and Isak staring right back. Even wants to kiss him. He really, really, really wants to kiss him, and he’s not sure he can stop himself, not when Isak is looking at him like that. Not when Isak is here and they’re alone and he looks like he wants it too. 

Fuck going slow. Isak’s lips are stained with something red, and his eyes are brighter than the stars. He wonders if that’s too cheesy a thing to say or if it would work in this context, when he’s about to kiss Isak. 

He tilts his head just the tiniest bit, maybe not even enough for Isak to notice, but it does something. Isak clears his throat, looks forward again, and turns his body away from Even’s. 

“So, um,” he starts, choking on the words he’s trying to say, “that guy. What kind of disagreement did you guys have that made you need to hide during a party?”

Even’s heart hurts a little. He took too long. “Oh, um, nothing you’ll want to hear about.” Isak smiles bashfully. 

“That bad, huh?” Even groans. He doesn’t want to tell Isak about this, but he’s scared of Isak hearing the played-up rumor version from someone else later, which would make things a million times worse. 

“No, it wasn’t that bad. I just,” Even takes a deep breath, “I slept with his sister, and he saw me leaving and got upset, because he’s one of those men that thinks he needs to know and control everything about the women in his life. I’m sure you know the kind, but anyway, he kept trying to make me apologize for using her, even though we agreed before it happened that it was a one night deal, no strings attached, so I refused. Then, he tried to get me arrested by starting a fight and having his friends watch and back up his story that it was my fault, even though it would have gotten me community service at best because his injuries were basically nothing compared to mine, but thankfully, he was stupid enough to do it in clear view of a security camera, and now he’s mad that I didn’t get in any trouble and he did.” 

Even is too scared to look at Isak, to see the disgust on his face as he realizes that Even is dangerous, that he’s gotten himself into this much trouble just from a one night stand, that he’s nowhere even close to being boyfriend material to someone like Isak, not with the kind of trouble he tends to attract wherever he goes. He’d leave without looking back if he knew he could get home safe, but he can’t risk it right now. 

“Okay, that doesn’t sound great. Are you sure you don’t want me to get him out of here?” Isak is just being nice. 

“No way. If he figures out I’m here, he might wait outside, and who even knows what he could do to me when he’s drunk. I’ll leave you alone after this, but just please let me stay in here until I know it’s safe,” Even pleads. He knew Isak would hate this side of him. He hates that it exists right now. 

“Even, Jesus, of course you can stay here. I’d never try to put you in danger. Why would you leave me alone after this, though?” Isak asks. He sounds genuinely curious, which Even doesn’t understand. 

“Because I’m kind of a magnet for trouble, obviously. You don’t seem like the type to hang out with those kinds of people.”

“How’s that? You’ve met Jonas, right?” Despite everything, Even smiles. “I’m not here to judge what you do or don’t do. Every single person in the world has a different perspective on life, so the way you live is yours. I really like being around you, and that’s that.” Even’s eyes sting a little, but he can’t cry in front of Isak right now, no matter how much he wants to after his little speech. 

“You’re really special, sunshine. Do you know that?” Isak’s face brightens again. 

“That nickname is really growing on me,” he says. Even’s glad, because as far as he’s concerned, the world could revolve around Isak Valtersen, and it would probably be a better place. 

Maybe he’s exactly what Even needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope this chapter was enjoyable! i had some trouble with it, so i'm not really sure. thank you so much for reading!!
> 
> [my tumblr](https://glitteryevak.tumblr.com/)


	4. ISAK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the beginning of something difficult

Isak has spent the last few years of his life trying to establish routines for himself. It’s important, because inconsistency exacerbates his symptoms, which causes a miserable time for him and the people closest to him. Sometimes he has to remember that, because it would be so much easier to just let things happen instead of forcing literally everything, but he has to keep in mind what his life was like before he started getting treatment and how everything is so much less painful now.

There are times when it’s harder than normal, like when he’s having a particularly good day and doesn’t realize that it’s 2am and he’s still wide awake because he got too excited about something, or when he’s having a particularly bad day and forcing himself to eat and maintain his hygiene is literally impossible without someone pushing him to tears of frustration trying to get him to do it. 

It’s gotten a lot better than it used to be. He’s much more self-sufficient than he was in high school, and unless it’s just a really brutal day, he can force himself into keeping up with his routines without the assistance of another person. Sure, it’s not exactly in a timely manner, and yes, it takes some internal brow-beating and occasionally a little cruelty, but Isak’s pretty sure self-love is a myth, so why try?

He feels like his brain is going haywire from happiness the morning after the party, and he considers for the first time that it’s going to be hard to get close to Even, to allow him to try to understand how Isak works, to tell him the things he’s kept so close to his chest that not even Eva knows about them, but he’s going to have to do all at some point, because he probably can’t keep his act up for very long, not when he feels so completely overwhelmed when he’s near Even. Not when his feelings may be a threat to how hard he’s worked to get himself on track.

And that’s the scary part of all of it all, that he’s having feelings like this again. It’s happened once before, and it ended so badly that Isak didn’t leave his bedroom for a week. He fell in love, and it destroyed all his work. He doesn’t think he’d call this love--at least, not yet--but there are feelings, and they’re strong and heavy and deep enough to drag him down with them.

Still, he can’t keep his heart from fluttering when he sees that Even left a note stuck to the screen of Isak’s phone, a drawing of a cartoon sun sleeping, little ‘z’s coming from its lips, Even’s phone number written underneath. As scared as he is about this, he can’t help but text him immediately.

**Even** 🌔💜

_Hiiiii, it’s Isak. Did you get home safe?_

He gets up then, because he’s going to do his best to keep things on track this time. He’s not going to ruin everything he’s worked so hard for.

He tiptoes around, because he has no doubt that Eva and Jonas drank way more than him and might kill him if he wakes them up this early. He makes sure to lock the bathroom door behind him, and he brushes his teeth first thing. He knows it’s kind of an odd first thing to do, but he used to wait until after he ate breakfast, which would sometimes be in the afternoon because he’d forget, and he’d end up having gross breath all day. Now he prefers to just get everything out of the way as soon as he wakes up so he can feel nice and clean while he starts his day. It helps a lot, actually.

He’s also found that showering twice a day helps a lot when he feels guilty for not taking care of himself. If he’s running late and doesn’t shower in the morning, he gets another chance at night. If he falls asleep before he showers at night, he gets another chance as soon as he wakes up. There’s no waiting to make it up and there’s no break in the routine if he has to. He used to feel guilty about the amount of water he was using, but then he discovered that he’s probably saving even more by not eating any meat, so he feels much better about it now.

There’s a post-shower routine, too. First, he puts on some boxers and hangs his towel, then he sits at his desk and does the three-step skincare routine Eskild had been adamant about helping him figure out during his third year of high school, then he covers his body in the mango scented moisturizer that he’s been completely obsessed with for years. It’s an annoying step, but he has dry skin. On the plus side, it makes him smell amazing.

He has other routines after that, depending on the day, but they all leave his head when his phone vibrates from his nightstand. He basically dives for it, landing on his stomach, sprawled out across his bed. He’d be embarrassed if anyone ever knew, but his door is closed, and he’s alone.

His heart sinks when he sees that Even hasn’t responded. Someone else has texted him, but he doesn’t think it’s all that important. He tries his best not to get upset about it, but as always, it doesn’t really work.

( _What if Even changed his mind in the cold light of day and doesn’t want to talk to Isak anymore? What if this whole thing was a game, and he gave Isak a fake number just for laughs? What if that guy he was so freaked out about last night figured out he was here? What if he waited like Even said he would? What if Even is hurt?_ )

He starts to panic a little, because that guy was huge; as tall as Even and much bulkier, and he apparently had done some real damage to Even in the past. And even if that’s not the issue, Even could hate Isak. He doesn’t really remember if something happened last night, so there’s definitely a chance.

His heart jumps to his throat when his phone vibrates in his hand, and he can finally breathe when he sees that it’s Even.

_No, I didn’t. I was so heartbroken that my story put you to sleep that I got distracted and walked into traffic._

Despite the fact that that’s incredibly embarrassing, Isak finds himself smiling at Even’s joke, but still feeling like he owes him an explanation for that.

_I’m sorry :( alcohol just isn’t for me. If it helps, I don’t remember anything, so you can tell me all over again during lunch tomorrow if you’re interested. My treat since I was so rude._

Dread fills his body as soon as he hits send, because that was too much. Isak has started to accept that he’s probably never going to find a medication that really improves things for him, but he finds himself wishing that one would at least help him control his impulses a little more. That’s probably too much to ask, though.

At the risk of losing his mind obsessing over this, he puts his phone on do not disturb and puts it in one of his nightstand drawers. He throws on the fluffy bathrobe Jonas got him last Christmas so he’d stop complaining about how cold Eva keeps the apartment, and he ventures out to the kitchen. He didn’t see any overnight guests when he went out the first time, so he doesn’t really think he needs to get dressed.

He decides to be a good roommate slash friend and make breakfast for Jonas and Eva, who are, without a doubt, going to be too hungover to do it themselves when they wake up. They like to complain about his “healthy vegetable shit” when they’re hungover, but Isak thinks they secretly love it and just want an excuse to bitch at him.

One of Eva’s friends, presumably Vilde, had stocked their whole kitchen with healthy snacks and fruit last night after finding out that they weren’t putting out any food for the party. Predictably, nobody touched the fruit in their drunken states, so they’re kind of stuck with this huge gross of it pretty much covering their kitchen. Isak should find a solution for that later, but for now, he thinks he can manage to make some blueberry pancakes, which are Jonas’s favorite, surprisingly, and he shouldn’t get too many complaints about them, considering he’s using a pre-made mix and just replacing the eggs with applesauce. He thinks it makes them better, anyway.

He tries his best to get it out of his head, that text. He keeps thinking about his phone, if he has any notifications, if Even has outright rejected him, if Even was maybe actually interested. He can’t remember if he added the right amount of almond milk, or if he needs another cup. He mixes it anyway and just hopes they don’t fall apart when he starts baking them.

He turns on the stove, and as a proactive step, opens the window. He doesn’t have a good track record when it comes to paying attention to important things (or any things), and he’d rather not have to evacuate the building today.

The first couple come out okay, but then Isak starts getting bored, and they start getting burned because he’s distracted by the thought of whatever kind of message from Even may or may not be sitting on his phone, and by the time he’s done, he thinks he’s never going to cook again, because that was fucking annoying.

He knocks on Eva’s and Jonas’s doors, calls out that he made breakfast, and goes back into his bedroom, grabbing his phone and allowing it to receive messages again, and as soon as he does, a message from Even appears.

_Sounds nice, but I can’t do tomorrow._

Isak’s heart sinks. This was a mistake.

_Maybe we could do something later in the week? I’m just crazy busy for the next few days._  
Do you have a place in mind? I don’t know anything about vegan food.  
_Or good restaurants, for that matter_

He should really learn to stop overreacting at the first sign of negativity.

 _I’m on it!_ ✨🌱

\---

Isak has been dreading the beginning of the semester for weeks. It’s not like he hates school or anything; he loves getting out and being a part of something, he likes being around people, he likes learning new things. He doesn’t like having a whole new group of professors that he has to beg to understand the accommodations he’s supposed to get as a person with a debilitating mental illness.

He’s always tried his very best in school. No one even thought there was anything wrong when he was younger, because he got amazing grades and was very smart and advanced. He was 16 when he suddenly started failing everything and being physically unable to complete coursework without someone pressuring him to get it done in a timely manner.

So he needs a little extra help sometimes, and he’s finally okay with admitting that after almost 4 years, but it’s hard to explain to people who don’t really care to understand that it’s not the classic presentation of a kid who can’t focus or sit still. He often has those issues, but they’re nothing compared to the inability to function, the bouts of crippling depression when things get too much, the lack of control he has over his life.

Needless to say, the first week of the semester is always exhausting, and sometimes, he needs a friend to help him through some things, so when he leaves his final lecture on his first day back, he’s thrilled to see Even standing right across the hall, looking at his phone.

He walks towards him, but Even doesn’t seem to be paying any attention until Isak says his name and he jumps, which is extremely uncharacteristic of him. “Are you alright?” Isak asks. Even nods.

“Yeah, of course.” It’s not very convincing, but they aren’t close enough yet for Isak to pry into his life the way he kind of wants to right now, so he just waits, doesn’t say anything, and eventually, Even’s face falls. “Listen, I wouldn’t ask if I had another option, but that guy from the party, they let him come back to school, and I’ve been trying to stay with a friend or in public areas, but I need to leave. Everyone else I know is busy, so would you mind walking out with me?” He looks ashamed that he has to ask, and Isak doesn’t like that look on him.

“Of course. I was just on my way out, too.” Even looks relieved, but apprehensive.

“Are you sure?” Isak rolls his eyes and links his arm with Even’s starting to pull him towards the door.

“I know I’m not super scary, and any punch I throw will probably hurt me more than the other person, but I’ll film him on my phone if he tries anything. That way, there will at least be some evidence for whoever investigates our murders.” Even almost snorts a laugh, which makes the smile on Isak’s face even bigger.

“That’s sweet of you.”

“I know, Even. I’m just a little angel.” Even rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t say anything.

They feel the heat the second they step outside, and Isak feels like it’s warming his heart. They get a couple weird looks, but they probably look like an odd pair, Even with his leather and purple hair and Isak with his dainty jewelry and pink sweater. Isak likes it, though; the way they look next to each other, the way they balance each other out, in a sense.

“So do you think that guy really would try something?” Isak asks. He’s honestly concerned for Even’s safety, the way he acts so scared of him.

“I doubt he would after everything that happened, but I feel like I shouldn’t take any chances. I know he’s still pretty angry.”

“Mhm, that makes sense. Well, I have that lecture at that time every day except Thursday, so if you ever need someone to walk with you, I’m there,” Isak offers. He hopes Even will take him up on it.

“What if I don’t really need it? This is kinda fun,” Even says. Isak blushes.

“That’s cool too.”

\---

Unsurprisingly, it becomes a thing.

Almost every single day, Even is outside Isak’s last lecture. Sometimes they leave, sometimes Isak walks Even to his next class, sometimes they chill for a while, but it’s always fun, and it’s at the point now where Isak will wait for Even if he’s not there, and he’ll be so disappointed if he doesn’t show up that it puts a damper on the rest of his day.

They go to lunch together a bunch of times, Isak convincing Even to explore a little and go to a vegan place with him, but there are also times when they go somewhere with good options for both of them. They walk each other to work, occasionally sticking around for awhile. Isak will get a free smoothie from Even, and Even will get Isak’s employee discount on a new sketchpad or a used book. Even lets Isak hold his hand when no one can see them, and Isak is happy with what he gets.

He knows it’s not going to end well, and he’s starting to find that he doesn’t really care. 

It’s been a few weeks of this new routine, and Isak is in a fantastic mood. He’s pretty sure he’s been spending more time with Even than with Jonas recently, which is wild considering he lives with Jonas. He’s found that he doesn’t even really mind that they’re just friends for now, because Even is great, and he’s nice, and he’s fun. As much as Isak would love to kiss him and hold his hand more often, he’s okay with friendship.

Today, Isak had to go straight to work, and Even had the day off, so he decided to do his homework at one of the tables in the bookstore and wait for Isak to finish his shift. It fills Isak’s heart whenever he looks up to see him sitting in the corner, not even minding that he’s spending so much of his day here just because he wants to spend more time with Isak. It makes him want to make a gesture of some kind, to show Even that he cares a lot about this, and he gets so distracted thinking about it, he goes into auto-pilot, stacking books based on the pictures on the covers and half-assing the discussions he has with the customers about their purchases, but none of them seem to notice or care.

He watches the clock when the end of his shift starts approaching. He normally wouldn’t, because he loves his job and isn’t overly eager to leave the second he’s allowed to, but he doesn’t want Even to have to sit here for longer than he has to, so the minute his shift ends, he’s in the back grabbing all his stuff. His coworker, Sofie, is visibly surprised at how fast he’s trying to leave, but pretty much everyone he works with is used to a bit of erratic behavior on his part, so she doesn’t ask any questions.

He sits across from Even, who looks up at him, saying “Thank fucking God. I was getting so bored with this science garbage. Are we doing anything else?” Isak’s heart swells from Even asking him. It’s so intimate, somehow, that his first instinct was to check with Isak to see if he has more plans for them.

“Actually, if you aren’t busy, I kind of wanted to show you something,” Isak says. Even smiles at him, one of those rare, soft smiles that Even reserves for Isak, from what he can tell.

“I’m all yours,” he says. Isak feels a pang of desire in his chest; desire to hear him say that in different circumstances, desire for it to actually be true, desire for him to mean it, but for now, he takes a deep breath and returns Even’s smile, offering him a hand as he stands up, his entire body heating up when Even actually takes it and doesn’t immediately let go when he sees that there’s another person in the area. Progress. 

He leads them out the door, and Even does let go at that point. He lets Isak hold onto his arm, though, which is fine by him. Isak takes him to the park a couple blocks away from his apartment, and once he’s sure no one can see them, sneaks both of them off the wooded walking trail and behind some trees. He can tell that Even is starting to hesitate, which Isak supposes is fair enough, all things considered, but he doesn’t voice any concerns, so Isak keeps going.

After a few minutes of walking, they arrive at a little field of wildflowers, and Isak drags Even over to sit at the edge of it. He normally wouldn’t just stop and start picking all the flowers, but they’ll probably die soon from the cooling air, and they’re way too beautiful to go to waste. He almost feels a loving connection to them, how they make him feel so safe. He’s not sure if it’s just one of his _things_ , though, so he’s never said it out loud.

He picks a couple daisies first, because he feels like the white and yellow will go really well with Even’s hair. He starts twisting and weaving the way his mom once taught him, letting his hands get into the pattern and picking up a new flower every time he needs it.

“What are you doing?” Even asks. Isak feels a smile creep onto his face.

“You’ll see,” he answers. He doesn’t want Even to stop him from finishing if he doesn’t like the idea of wearing it.

“Okay, be cryptic, then. Can I at least ask how you found this place? It’s pretty hidden.” Even asks. Isak nods.

“Yeah, um, our apartment is just a few blocks away from the park, and I used to walk here all the time, and I was kind of getting bored with it one night, so I went off the path and found this. Pretty much no one knows about it, and I guess I just feel really safe here, you know?” Isak focuses on the flowers in his hands, doesn’t look up in case Even thinks he’s being stupid.

“That’s really beautiful,” Even says. Isak looks up to find that he’s transfixed by the motion of Isak’s hands. He gets that, because he used to do the same thing before he learned. “Sometimes I wish I could have a place where I felt like that,” he says, kind of sadly.

“Maybe you just haven’t found the right one yet.” Isak looks back down to finish his work.

“I think I have, but I don’t like to get attached to things. People tend to ruin everything meaningful whenever it suits them,” Even says. Isak pauses.

“You’re so cynical,” he says. Even huffs out a laugh.

"That's always what people say when you're right and they don't want you to be." Isak furrows his eyebrows.

“No,” he says, plain and simple.

“No?”

“You can’t spend all your time thinking everyone is evil and out to get you. You’ll just be miserable forever. Why wouldn’t you just appreciate things for what they are, then be thankful for the memories if it happens to go away?” Isak continues weaving again. Even tucks Isak’s hair behind his ear, the contact making Isak shiver.

“We can’t all be as lovely and optimistic as you are, sunshine.” Isak considers this, but he doesn’t want to dwell on it.

“Close your eyes,” he tells Even. He wants to change the subject, and he doesn’t want Even to see him finish his little weaving. It should be a surprise.

“Are you gonna kill me now?” he asks, but he’s already closed his eyes. Isak smiles at him, even though he can’t see.

“I dragged you out into the woods, and we’ve been alone in an empty field for ten minutes, and you only ask if I’m gonna kill you when I ask you to close your eyes? Maybe you aren’t as cynical as I thought,” he says. Even smiles.

“Well, your little flower rope is pretty threatening. Maybe you lured me into a false sense of security by letting me watch you make it. Your flowers are your siren song.” Even laughs a little at his own joke, and it’s the most gorgeous sound Isak thinks he’s ever heard. He finishes his flower crown and puts it on Even’s head, making sure the best side is facing the front and his hair is fixed nicely under it. He gets his phone out, opening the front facing camera and angling it so Even can see. “Open,” he says.

Even opens his eyes and takes the phone, looking at himself at a few angles. “This is so cute,” he says. “How did you learn to do this?” He’s still looking at himself, so he doesn’t see Isak’s smile falter.

“My mom taught me, but that’s a story for a different day,” he says. Even finally looks over at him, and Isak just prays that he’ll drop it.

“You should wear one, too. It would be cuter on you.” Isak blushes, and he hopes Even can’t see it. He fiddles with the stem of one of the daisies he didn’t end up using to calm his nerves.

“You should pick the flowers for me,” Isak suggests. Even nods.

“Deal,” he says, turning around, picking a few that he likes, making a little pile between the two of them. Isak finds himself unable to take his eyes away from the scene. He loves it here, and Even looks so gorgeous with the sunlight on his pale face, highlighting the spots in his hair where the dye has started to fade into an almost-pink color. Isak can’t resist reaching out, twisting a strand around his finger. Even doesn't react, aside from the faintest smile, but it makes Isak feel even warmer.

“There’s a fuck ton of bleach damage here, so it probably doesn’t feel very nice,” he says after a minute, Isak still intrigued by his hair.

“Seriously?” he asks. Even nods, still working on picking out the flowers.

“Yeah, my hair is naturally about the same color as yours, so it takes more than once to get it light enough to not look weird with the dye I use, and it always starts to fade back into the darker color after a while, so I have to redo it all the time,” he explains.

“Mm, sounds fucking annoying.” Even smiles, a real one this time. He throws a few more flowers down and says “Done.”

Isak inspects his choices, making sure they’ll work well with each other. He’s chosen mostly pinks, oranges, and reds, but there are a few others thrown in, and Isak loves every single one, because those are what Even chose specifically for him. He arranges them into the loosest pattern ever, just so he doesn’t pick up a bunch of the same one all at once, and he restarts the process.

“God, it’s fucking hot,” Even comments after a minute or two of quiet.

“That’s because you’re wearing a leather jacket in the sun,” Isak points out.

“Fair enough.” Isak hears what he’s pretty sure is the jacket being taken off and placed on the ground next to Even, but he doesn’t look up.

He feels content right now, weaving a flower crown, sitting in his favorite place, the sun warming his back, the sounds of a gentle breeze rustling the leaves of the trees in front of them and Even’s breathing as he takes in the scene, too. He smells a combination of flowers and Even, and he thinks, if it were at all possible, he’d make a candle with it and burn it every single day until the scent permeated everything he owns.

As he ties off his crown, he looks at Even, and a gasp escapes his mouth. He grabs Even’s arm, bringing it closer to his face. “I didn’t know you have tattoos,” he says, tracing the cartooney skull on his forearm.

“Oh, yeah, I usually keep them covered for work. Customers tend to think seeing them gives them the right to ask me super personal questions that make me uncomfortable,” he admits.

“Will telling you that they’re really beautiful make you uncomfortable?” Isak asks, eyes fixed on Even’s arm, trying to make out every single detail that he can find.

“No.”

“In that case, they’re really beautiful. It really suits you.” He looks closely at what looks like an angel taking up the better part of Even’s bicep, tracing her wings.

“Thank you, sunshine. What about you?” Even asks. Isak shrugs, still completely captivated by the stunning art Even has permanently inked onto himself.

“What about me?”

“Any tattoos? Piercings? Anything scandalous at all?” Isak smiles.

“I have my ears pierced, but I’m not sure that counts as scandalous,” he says, moving his hair back a little so Even can have a clear look at the faux-pearl earrings that Isak wears most days. “I thought about getting a tattoo a while ago, but I have commitment issues.” He smiles, like it’s a joke he’s trying to laugh off, even though it’s the most honest he’s ever been with Even about what he’s really like to deal with. Thankfully, Even doesn’t seem to notice his dilemma. 

“Can I put this on you?” He picks up the flower crown that Isak had dropped into his lap.

“Yeah, of course,” he says. Even puts it on him, then starts adjusting it, brushing his hair where he wants it to go. He’s so gentle with it, and Isak leans into his touch, because it feels amazing, and _fuck_ Isak wants to kiss him so bad, but not here, not in his safe place when he’s not sure if it’s the right call.

“Beautiful,” Even says when he’s done.

“I could say the same for you.” Even blushes, and Isak’s heart stops for just a second, because _shit_ , he is so, so gorgeous.

Isak wishes he could read minds, because then he’d be able to decipher the look Even is giving him, but he can’t, so he won’t ever really know. Maybe if he could, he would’ve been able to take a chance, to do the thing he’s been dying to do since the day he met Even, but instead, Even walks him home and leaves him with a short hug and a lot of unanswered questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so so so sorry for how long this took, and i'm sorry that this isn't really my best work. either way, i hope it's decent, and if it means anything, i'm really fucking excited for the next chapter and how it's supposed to go.
> 
> [my tumblr](https://glitteryevak.tumblr.com/)


	5. EVEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> even's suspicions boil over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had like 90% of this done when i posted the last chapter, and i thought i'd go ahead and finish it to make up for how long that one took. there are some discussions about prescription drug abuse in this chapter, so please be careful if you're sensitive to that kind of thing.

It’s shocking how easily Isak works his way into Even’s routine.

It feels a little weird when it starts, when they run into each other the first day of the semester and Isak doesn’t hesitate for a second to help Even out, zero questions asked, but after that, it’s just part of his normal day, and it’s not even just that. He’s managed to work his way into Even’s daily routine. Even used to wake up every morning, sit up in bed, and wonder if it’s really fucking worth getting up. Now, he checks his phone when he wakes up, unintentionally being put into a good mood by whatever nonsense Isak texted him at 2am. (Seriously, does that kid sleep?) Now, it’s just a normal part of his day to go out of his way to see Isak after his last class of the day. It’s so normal, in fact, that he always dreads Thursdays, the day that Isak only has one lecture in the morning and is gone by the time Even finishes up. 

It’s a big change for Even, who really isn’t used to caring so deeply about someone else. He finds himself glaring at people that look at the two of them just a little too long, and Isak never seems to notice. He just keeps that smile on his face, almost scarily consistent, while he tells Even enthusiastically about something that he’s developed a sudden interest in. Even listens, learns, and observes the people around them to make sure no one is thinking too much about Isak.

In all honesty, Even is a little freaked out. He’s become reliant on Isak’s presence for his own happiness and security so quickly. He’s not sure what he would do if something happened and Isak just wasn’t there anymore, and it’s scary to feel that way, to feel like he actually, really likes Isak. It’s not some sort of crush or passing thought, but real feelings.

He’s just so amazing, so bright, so beautiful. He lights up Even’s world, as cheesy as that sounds and as much as he hates to say it. Even finds himself being unable to stop smiling around him, and considering the fact that Even’s never been one to find unadulterated joy in a lot of things, it’s a big deal.

And he’s scared, because how could someone like that go for someone like Even; someone so cynical, pessimistic, unstable, aggressive. How could someone like Even when he can’t even find the strength to like himself most days?

And it’s hard when Even accidentally lets something slip, like the time he mentioned something he did while manic, or the time he had Isak in his apartment and his pills were just sitting on his table, or the time he was having a particularly awful day and had to avoid Isak because he knew he was being crabby and would probably have to see that sad look in Isak’s eyes if he got snappy with him. Isak never asks, though. He just lets Even say what he wants on his own time, and it’s the greatest feeling to have someone like that, but he kind of wishes it were a little different.

Because one day, when they’ve known each other for almost two months, Even sees a crack in Isak for the very first time. He waits outside his last lecture the same way he always does, craving that smile, those bright eyes, but he doesn’t get them, because Isak comes out looking like he hasn’t slept in days, even though he seemed fine just yesterday. His skin is pale, his clothes sloppier than they normally are, his hair a little deflated. If Even didn’t know him, he’d have no idea there’s something off about him, but that doesn’t mean he’s not seriously concerned.

“Hi, Ev,” he says, trying to smile like it’s a normal day, but even his voice sounds worn out. Even wants to ask more than anything, but he doesn’t really think he has the right to. “I know we were supposed to go to lunch, but I’m not feeling great. Can we skip today?”

“Yes, of course we can. Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I just think I should go home and just chill.” he says. He rubs one of his bleary eyes.

“Would you like some company? I don’t have anything to do for a few hours,” he offers. Isak seems like he needs a friend. He gives Even a weak smile.

“I think I would love that,” he says.

He doesn’t bother holding Even’s hand or arm while they walk. Even’s own hand itches, desperate to have Isak’s, but Even doesn’t have the confidence that Isak does. He can’t just make that kind of move. There are a few times where he almost does it, almost puts a protective arm around Isak to get him home, but every time he thinks about it, his nerves spike, and he just can’t.

Isak looks almost numb when they get to his building. He lets them into his apartment, but Even’s not sure he’s actually conscious of his movements. It’s a familiar feeling to him, but seeing it on someone he cares about kind of makes him want to cry.

“I think I’m gonna change clothes,” Isak says. Even nods, trying not to be too upset by his flat voice, the lack of emotion on his face.

He comes back out, gesturing for Even to follow him back into his bedroom, now wearing a huge sweatshirt with some shorts, and Even just wants to wrap him up, protect him, keep anything that could ever make him look like this far, far away.

Isak settles into his bed, and Even hesitates, unsure if that’s really okay, but Isak pushes the duvet back, patting the bare spot for Even to sit, so he does, slowly and uncomfortably at first, but Isak has piled what seems like dozens of pillows up behind them, and his bed is soft, and the heat of his body under the blanket makes Even feel warm. He feels comfortable here.

Isak puts a movie on, though Even would never in a million years be able to say what it is, far too focused on Isak. His lips are slightly parted, his breath deep and even. His eyes start to droop five minutes after they sit, and he’s trying to stay awake, but Even doesn’t think he’s been able to keep his eyes open for more than five seconds at a time. It’s quite possibly the most endearing thing Even has ever witnessed.

Even finds himself staring, and he can’t resist inching closer when he’s pretty sure Isak won’t notice. He figures it’s safe, and if he’s going to spend his time watching Isak sleep, he can at least get a little cuddling out of it, even if he’s too proud to initiate it when Isak is actually conscious.

Their legs and arms are close enough to brush against each other’s, and it would be so fucking easy for Even hold Isak’s hand, or even put his arm around Isak’s shoulder, but he can’t bring himself to do it. He can’t really bring himself to give Isak anything but a slightly stilted friendship that he probably feels like he’s maintaining by himself, and he kind of hates himself for it.

When Isak’s head falls on his shoulder, it stays there. He unconsciously adjusts himself to be more comfortable, turning on his side, curling into Even and holding onto his arm. Even tries not to think too much about it. Isak is probably the kind of person that has a lot of practice sharing a bed with other people, and Even isn’t stupid enough to think that his subconcious knows he’s cuddling Even. Right now, to Isak, Even is just a warm body. 

The thought hurts more than he’d ever admit, especially as Isak’s head gets heavier as he falls deeper into sleep with every breath. Even would kill to feel Isak relax against him like this all the time, and it’s his own fault that he doesn’t have the opportunity. He’s rejected every single one of Isak’s advances so far, allowing him to think he just wants to be friends. He doesn’t, but he’s just too scared. He doesn’t know Isak well enough to let him tear down the walls he’s so carefully been building since he was 17. He doesn’t want to risk Isak not liking him when he sees everything. He doesn’t want to put Isak in an unsafe position with the people he’s managed to get himself involved with. There are reasons upon reasons why he can’t just let things happen with Isak, no matter how desperately he wants to.

He feels terrible for staring when Isak is unaware, but he’s so gorgeous, and Even can’t take his eyes off him. He tilts his head up just a little, and that’s when Even realizes that he’s still wearing his two favorite necklaces. He can’t imagine it’s comfortable for him to have something so tight around his neck in his sleep.

He can really only move one arm, but he had an obsession with stacking bracelets a few years ago, so he’s pretty sure he can manage to get them off with one hand. He turns the gold one around until he finds the clasp, and it’s somehow the smallest one he’s ever seen. It takes some effort, but he manages to unhook it and put it beside him on Isak’s nightstand. The pearl one is much easier, the clasp much bigger, so it only takes him a second to get that one off and put it next to the other.

Isak hums in his sleep, tightening his grip on Even’s arm for a brief second, like he’s somehow aware that Even just fixed what was probably going to be a problem for him later, and Even can’t breathe for a second. _Fuck_ , he wants this so, so, so much. He wants Isak, but he can’t.

He’s selfish for a few minutes, and he thinks that’s okay. He pauses whatever is on Isak’s laptop, just listening to the little sounds he’s making, lightly brushing his fingers over Isak’s lax ones on his arm, soaks up every bit of his touch now that it’s not being stifled by his hyperawareness of Even’s boundaries. His heart clenches when Isak starts scrunching up his face like something is bothering him. Some of Even’s hair is brushing against his nose, probably tickling it, so he moves it away, and Isak settles again.

He presses play on the movie, just in case, then slips his arm out of Isak’s slackened grip, replacing it with a round pillow he finds on the floor next to the bed, fluffing up the pillows behind himself so Isak isn’t jostled too much when Even sits up, letting his head flop against them. He waits a minute, makes sure he hasn’t woken Isak, then gets up, ensuring that his legs are covered by the blanket, pulling his curtains shut and turning his light off so he can sleep.

He hears someone else in the apartment when he shuts Isak’s door, so he grabs his things and lets himself out before he’s noticed.

\---

He doesn’t hear from Isak that night, but he’s too busy freaking out about his feelings to notice until he wakes up the next morning, seeing that Isak has only just reached out, extending an olive branch that he probably wasn’t even aware they needed.

**Isak**

_Can I make you an “i’m really fucking sorry for falling asleep when we were supposed to be hanging out” dinner?_

Even hates the smile that creeps onto his face. He hates the giddy feeling in his chest.

_You hate cooking_

He went on a passionate rant about it once, how cooking is too fucking confusing and complicated if you don’t have a good attention span and lack the patience to just fuck around in your kitchen to make sure nothing burns. He told Even he only cooks if someone will sit in the kitchen with him to entertain him, and Even hates that he doesn’t mind being that person, because it’s fucking _scary_ to be that person.

_That's how bad I feel. You took time out of your day to spend with me, and I slept through it._

_I was still hanging out with you, though. I’m the one that should really be apologizing for not waking you up, because you actually missed out on spending time with me._

_Wow, you’re so funny_

He can perfectly picture Isak’s fond eye roll, the fake irritated laugh he’d give Even.

_But seriously, come over tonight. I’ll stay awake this time._

He thinks it might be time to admit that he’s helpless to stop whatever is going on here.

_Promise?_

_Yes_

\---

And that’s how he finds himself in Isak’s kitchen, sitting at his table while Isak stands by the stove, telling Even a random story that he doesn’t even remember how they managed to get to. He still looks a little down, but Even doesn’t think he would’ve noticed at all had he not seen Isak yesterday and already been concerned when he arrived, so he assumes it wasn’t too big a deal.

“I still have the tiara,” he says, after a full five minute explanation of why he had one in the first place, consisting of his parents not liking when he played dress-up with his older sister and the two of them saving all the money they found lying around in secret for weeks until they had enough to buy matching ones for each other.

“You kept a plastic tiara for fifteen years?” Isak nods like this is a proud accomplishment for him. “I’ll believe it when I see it,” Even says, not convinced that Isak isn’t messing with him for his own entertainment.

“Do you wanna go get it? It’s in the bottom drawer of my left nightstand,” Isak says. Even nods, and he leaves.

It’s still weird to be in Isak’s room by himself. It just feels like such a personal place, especially because he knows Isak so well now. Even is pretty sure someone who had never met Isak could come in here and figure out exactly what kind of person he is, and Even kind of loves that about it.

He doesn’t see what he’s looking for when he opens the drawer, and he’s about to shut it and check the other side when something catches his eye.

It’s at least eight pill bottles, and they’re all mostly full.

Even doesn’t know what to do, because this isn’t a normal thing for a twenty year old man to have hiding right next to his bed unless he’s really sick. He’s seen Isak take pills before, but he was told they were mostly vitamins, and now he’s wondering how many of them weren’t.

He really doesn’t want to pry into Isak’s personal business, but there are a thousand scenarios of Isak being sick with something awful rushing through his head, and Isak has never shown any sign of anything, so Even doesn’t feel confident about his ability to let this be until Isak wants him to know something, so he decides to check. What could it hurt?

The first one he picks up is an amphetamine. He doesn’t know much about medications and drugs, but he’s pretty sure that’s not a good long term thing to have in one’s system. Still, he remains hopeful that this is nothing serious. It can’t be.

The next one is a standard painkiller, but a strong one, and Even really, really hates the pattern that he’s seeing. He’s trying not to jump straight back into the suspicion he’d felt when he first met Isak, but he’s starting to feel like his gut instinct was right.

The third one is a stimulant, one that’s supposed to treat attention disorders but has been reclaimed by college students to help with focusing on coursework, and that’s all Even needs to see. It’s very clear what’s going on.

He brings the last one with him when he leaves the room, because he’s not about to let Isak deny what he’s doing. He needs the evidence when he confronts him.

“Food is ready,” he says, then he turns around. “You couldn’t find it?” Isak asks. Even can’t bring himself to answer.

“I want to tell you something,” he says. Isak gives Even his attention. “I have bipolar disorder.” He wants this to hurt. He wants Isak to feel as betrayed as Even does right now.

“Oh, okay. Thank you for trusting me with that,” Isak says, a soft, fond look on his face, but Even isn’t falling for that anymore.

“Yeah, you know, when I was 16, they thought it was just ADHD.” Isak flinches a little, and Even hopes that means he knows what is about to happen. “It was really hard to get medication for it, because adderall was the only thing that worked for me at all,” he says. Isak nods.

“Yeah, I can imagine how difficult that would be.” Even huffs out a humorless laugh.

“I’m sure you can, because it’s people like you that make it so hard.” Isak freezes, eyes wide.

“What do you mean?” he asks. Even gets the bottle out of his pocket, hands it to Isak, who studies it with a confused look on his face.

“You know, people who abuse the healthcare system to get shit to get high on, or maybe to sell to people and benefit from the misery and pain of addicts. Which do you do with all of that garbage you’ve been hiding, Isak?” Isak looks stunned, like he can’t speak, so Even decides to continue. “Do you know how many doctors thought I was faking it? I mean, the mental health system is difficult enough to navigate when you’re a scared teenager, so why not make it worse by having a bunch of disgusting grown adults cheating the system for free drugs, right? Who cares about the sick people who can’t get what they need because of their disorder being so standardized that no one believes their symptoms? How many people with ADHD are fucking miserable right now because they aren’t able to get treated? What do you think about all of this, sunshine?” He spits out the nickname. He can’t bear to have it on his tongue anymore.

“Fuck you, Even,” Isak spits. He looks angrier than Even ever imagined he could be. “These are mine. I’ve been trying to find the right medication for three fucking years, and all of these made me sick. I kept them because flushing medication is bad for the environment, and I knew throwing them out would lead to the exact situation you just accused me of exploiting. Maybe that was stupid, but I never thought someone I cared about would go snooping through my stuff and accuse me of being a fucking dealer. Who the hell do you think I am?” Angry tears stream down Isak’s face, and Even’s heart drops.

“There were pain pills, too,” he points out. Isak rolls his eyes.

“I had my wisdom teeth pulled six months ago and had more pills than I needed. Is there anything else you’d like to accuse me of while we’re at it?” Isak crosses his arms over his chest, his face hard and angry but with tears still pouring from his eyes. Even just stands there, stunned, because he probably just ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

Neither of them move when they hear the front door open, Even too shocked and Isak too angry. Eva shouts out, “Isak, are you home?” before either of them react.

Isak whispers “I think you should leave,” before he brushes past Even, heading towards the door to greet Eva.

“Wait, Isak, I’m sorry,” Even calls after him, following him into the living area.

Eva is smiling before she lays her eyes on them, and her face drops as soon as she catches the tears on Isak’s face. “What’s going on?” she asks, mostly directed to Isak. He puts his hand over his mouth, but it doesn’t do much to muffle the sob that escapes. She rushes towards him, wrapping him in a hug as he cries into her shoulder.

“I think I should go,” Even says. Eva glares at him, so he takes the hint, grabbing his jacket and waving goodbye to her as he leaves. His heart shatters when the door shuts behind him.

\---

He kind of starts feeling numb after that.

If there’s one positive to losing Isak, it’s that he doesn’t have to try so hard anymore. He was doing alright before they met, recovering from an episode, lying to his therapist, his parents, his actual, good friends about the fact that he was done with the people he used to hang out with, the ones that encouraged and enjoyed his reckless behavior. He always knew, deep down, that he’d go back to them when things went wrong, and Isak was the thing that kept him away for a record amount of time.

But now, it doesn’t fucking matter. Honestly, it’s kind of sad when he thinks about how much better his life was with Isak in it. He had a good routine, he was staying on track with school due to their little study dates and Even’s waiting on Isak to finish work at the bookstore, he was branching out, trying new things, but the healthy way this time, he even bought almond milk instead of regular, for fuck’s sake.

He decides the best course of action is not acknowledging the progress he was starting to make, taking every possible precaution to avoid Isak and his friends, and going back to his slow and quiet self-destruction.

And that’s what he does. He gets a text from his old dealer, an invite for Even to return to his true dirtbag roots, lean into the hand he dealt himself when he was a teenager in a tough spot, looking for literally anything to help him feel human again, and he takes it.

The bar is truly, truly disgusting, but they started letting Even in when he was 16, so he never really learned any other places. He’s a sucker for routine when it’s easy to maintain. He drinks until he can’t remember the names of the guys he’s with, but no matter what he does, he can’t forget the hurt look on Isak’s face, the tears that fell from his eyes, the sob that escaped his mouth. He thinks about texting him, but the keyboard is blurry, and Isak deserves better than that. 

He stumbles home, doesn’t do the assignments he’s supposed to already have done, and everything is blurry, blurry, blurry, because Even hasn’t drank in months. There hasn’t been any need for it.

He’s at work the next day, feeling like death, and that’s before Jonas walks in, definitely not looking like he’s in the mood for a smoothie. So much for the ‘avoiding Isak’s friends’ thing. He forgot they know where he works.

He looks around for literally anything that can save him, but his coworker is on his break, and the shop is pretty slow, so there’s nothing.

“What the fuck did you do?” Jonas demands. Even flinches from the memories and the intensifying ache in his head.

“Does it fucking matter? I hurt him, he hates me, I’m planning to leave him alone so I don’t make it worse. Anything else?” he asks. Jonas rolls his eyes.

“You’re so fucking stupid, Even. I can’t believe you.” It’s pure anger, and Even deserves every bit of it, but it isn’t the time for that. He raises his eyebrows, tries to return to that look of intimidation and detachment that he used to know better than anything else.

“Get in fucking line, Jonas,” he spits back. Jonas shakes his head incredulously, rolling his eyes again before he turns to leave.

Even wears the expression like a mask after that, waits until he’s home, drunk, high, and all the lights are out to cry into his pillow, wishing he could have the guts to beg for Isak’s forgiveness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you thought i'd make it easy for them, you're a fool. i truly feel like it's not evak if they don't make a giant fucking mess before they get it together, so here's this one. thanks for reading!!
> 
> [my tumblr](https://glitteryevak.tumblr.com/)


	6. ISAK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a turning point, of sorts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for mentions of blood and injuries in this chapter

Isak wishes there was some sort of manual on how to deal with heartache, betrayal, a loss of trust, because he’s not doing a great job. He’s been able to manage going to school and work every day, but that’s it. He feels almost numb, with a little dash of anger and sadness thrown in when he thinks about Even for too long. Or at all.

He spends his free time in bed now. His routines are falling off, he’s struggling to keep up with his life, and he doesn’t know how to handle it. Unfortunately, that’s one thing he never figured out for himself, and trying to is kind of exhausting.

He feels like an idiot for still desperately wanting to talk to Even. He was a good friend while it lasted, and it’s hard to just let go of that. He knows Eva and Jonas are worried about him, but he can’t find it in himself to try to act like he’s fine.

The flower crown Even helped him make is still sitting on top of his dresser, but the colors have drained out of it just like the life has. Isak feels an odd kinship with it. Things are duller for him, too, these days.

He misses the way things were just a few weeks ago. He was _happy_ for fuck’s sake. He was comfortable with Even. He fucking _misses_ him.

Things feel heavier now. Logically, Isak knows he’s depressed, feeling the burn of rejection and a complete lack of trust, but he doesn’t want to think that one single person could have so much power over him.

He wants to know how Even could think so lowly of him. He thought Isak was gaming an already difficult system and hurting and preying on mentally ill people just for money, and Isak doesn’t _understand_ what he did to give Even the impression that he could be so cruel.

He thinks about doing something cheesy to cleanse himself of this anxiety, maybe wishing on a dandelion for the ability to move past this, but it’s too cold outside for anything to grow, and Isak’s just outta luck.

\---

Isak is startled awake by someone banging on the door.

He’s fucking exhausted. He’s been asleep for maybe an hour, and there’s almost no chance of him getting _back_ to sleep tonight if he has to wake up enough to get out of bed and go to the door, but it isn’t someone ringing the bell to get into the building. It’s someone knocking on the actual door, and the only person he can imagine that being is the 16 year old girl that lives next door with her mom that travels all the time, and if she’s locked out, he can’t just leave her in the hallway all night.

Now is one of those times where he really hates that Jonas and Eva can both sleep through literally anything. It’s great when they share a bed to help him sleep, because he can toss and turn and flick the lights on a dozen times and whichever one is with him doesn’t even stir, but it means that he has to be responsible for any emergencies that may happen in the middle of the night, like this one, apparently.

He drags himself out of bed without bothering to put on more clothes. If someone so desperately needs him at one in the morning, they can deal with him being dressed in boxers and a huge t-shirt that he stole from Eva a few months ago. He makes his way through the apartment in the dark, so when he opens the door, the hallway lighting blinds him for a second, so unfortunately, he doesn’t have time to see that it isn’t his neighbor before the door is all the way open.

It’s Even, and he’s covered in blood.

“Hi,” he says. Isak just stares. “Look, Isak, I know you’re angry with me, and you have every right to be, but I got into a fight just down the street, and I can’t handle being stopped by the police on my way home, okay? I have a record, so please can I come in and clean up?” Even asks. He seems desperate, and Isak isn’t cruel.

“Of course,” he says, stepping to the side to let Even in. “Take your shoes and jacket off and go to the kitchen. I’ll get the first aid kit.”

“You don’t have to do that. I’ll just wash my face and hands and be on my way. I really don’t want to make this worse for you,” Even says.

“Even, that cut on your cheek is deep, and it’s not going to stop bleeding if you just rinse it off. Just go wait in the kitchen,” he says, leaving no room for argument. Even nods, stripping his jacket and shoes off.

Isak goes into the bathroom. They have a first aid kit, courtesy of Noora. She got it for them as a housewarming gift and said it was important for everyone to have one. Isak is very thankful for her right now.

Even is sitting at the kitchen table when Isak returns. His hands have been rinsed off, and the absence of someone else’s blood reveals the fact that they’re going to be painfully bruised in a few hours. Isak puts the bag down on the table, grabbing a rag and getting it wet to clean Even’s face before he sits down in front of him, pulling the chair close enough to basically be between Even’s legs.

He closes his eyes while Isak wipes his face down. The amount of blood is a little scary and a lot disgusting, but Isak can’t let it show. Even doesn’t deserve to see his emotions after everything he said.

“Did you start the fight?” he asks. Even sighs, his eyes still closed.

“Kind of.”

“It’s a yes or no question.”

“No, I don’t know. I instigated it, but one of them threw the first punch,” he says. Isak freezes.

“One of them? How many guys were you fighting?” Even shrugs, then winces.

“Four.”

“Four? You antagonized four guys when you were by yourself?” Isak asks, exasperated by Even’s terrible decision making.

“Yes, okay, I did. You already knew I was an idiot, so I’m not sure why you’re acting so surprised right now,” Even says, almost shouts. 

“Why would you start a fight like that?” Isak demands.

“Because they were saying disgusting shit about you.” Even’s voice is deep and dark, almost scary in a way Isak never thought he could be. He looks furious, and Isak is scared. He moves back, careful not to touch Even as he does, too worried about making him angrier.

“What do you mean?” Even sighs, some of the tension leaving his body.

“I used to be friends with some really awful people, okay? And I was dumb enough to hang out with some of them tonight because I was upset, and they started talking about my new ‘bitch’, and they were being homophobic and calling you a lot of things that I don’t want to repeat.” Isak sighs, his own frustration flaring up again. 

“You know, Even, I’ve dealt with a lot worse things in my life than people saying stuff about me behind my back.”

“I understand that, Isak, but they don’t get to say that shit about you. I just-” he sighs, goes to cover his face with his hands, but then thinks better of it. He looks back up, all the tension and frustration that’s been plaguing him gone, replaced by sadness and fear in his eyes. “I never want anyone to hurt you. I guess I was overcompensating for the fact that I did exactly that.” Isak’s eyes sting with tears.

“Even,” he says, hearing the sadness in his own voice loud and clear. Even shakes his head.

“Please listen.” He waits for Isak to nod before he continues. “This is what I’m like, alright? I’m cynical, aggressive, overprotective, and probably a million other things that you hate. I understand that this isn’t an option anymore, but that doesn’t mean I’ll stop caring or defending you, and I’m sorry, okay? I mean that with everything in me. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I guess I just made it happen myself.”

Isak sighs, moving closer again and starting to wipe the blood that’s been dripping down Even’s face. He only looks at the cut. Nothing else.

It takes a few minutes, racing thoughts not helping the time to go faster, to clean Even’s face. “I think I got it all,” Isak says, putting the rag down and his hands on the sides of Even’s neck to move his head around and make sure he’s clean. There’s a small spot, really just a drop, on Even’s temple, but he figures he’ll just get it now. He picks the rag back up, touching Even’s temple with it, and accidentally catching his desperate, bloodshot eyes in the process. 

He feels like every ounce of energy has been sucked out of him and replaced with desire. He wants to stop this, to stop himself from doing something fucking stupid, but instead of looking away, he feels his lips part, his body leaning closer to Even’s like they’re made of magnents. When their lips touch, all bets are off.

It becomes desperate in an instant. Isak whimpers into Even’s mouth, and Even moans at the sound, fingers clutching Isak’s hips so tight that he wouldn’t be surprised if he were drawing blood. Isak finds himself being pulled forward, and he takes the hint, swinging one leg over Even’s lap, straddling him and pulling them as close together as they can physically be in this position.

He can feel the heat, the desperate tension coming from both of them. His hands find their way under Even’s shirt, ready to do something about it when a light comes on and they hear, “Isak?” coming from the hallway.

They jump apart, fixing themselves as quickly as they can, barely getting the situation to at least look under control when Jonas shows up in the door, glancing over at the two of them suspiciously. “What’s going on?” he asks. 

Isak clears his throat, trying to not sound like he just had Even’s tongue down it. “We made up,” he says. Jonas’s eyes narrow, but Isak gives him a small shake of the head, a warning that he shouldn’t bring it up and that they can talk later, which is a message Jonas receives loud and clear. He rolls his eyes dramatically before he leaves the room.

“I’m going back to bed,” he says.

Isak glances back to Even, who’s looking down sheepishly. “That was nice,” he says. Isak smiles at him, even though he’s not looking.

“Stay here tonight.” Even’s head snaps up. “You were an asshole, but I believe in second chances.” Even tries to fight the smile, Isak can tell, but it appears anyway.

“Can we make this more of a three strikes deal? I’m kinda fucked up,” he says. Isak’s smile widens, and he sticks out his hand like he’s going to shake Even’s.

“Deal,” he says, and Even actually shakes his hand. Isak just uses it as an opportunity to pull him into another kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, _fuck_ this chapter. i've been stuck on it for literal months, and i know it's not the best, but there was no chance it was ever gonna get done if i tried to make it up to the standards i've held for the rest of this fic. that being said, i do hope that isak and even's reunion was satisfying. i couldn't resist the 'cleaning up the injured character leads to kissing' trope. 
> 
> [my tumblr](https://glitteryevak.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> i really hope everyone who has been wanting a story like this is interested in where i'm going. it was originally going to be a one shot, but i think it will work much better this way. i'm excited about it if that means anything. also, i'm sorry if you hate that i made isak vegan, but i thought it would make sense if this isak was one of those people who watches a doc and immediately cuts out meat and dairy, so i did it.
> 
> i appreciate all feedback, but please be gentle if you have any criticism.
> 
> [my tumblr](https://glitteryevak.tumblr.com/)


End file.
